Last week I dreamt I was skinny. Properly skinny, with a flat, muscled tummy and a reflection that left me feeling triumphant. In the dream, that shape meant success to me, I had worked to achieve it and the result made me feel good. I don't know how, since dreams aren't very good at providing me with the back story, but I knew that my figure was newly reclaimed and deserved a hint of self-congratulation. When I woke up and saw myself in the mirror, I was more than a little disappointed. Not only was my dream lying to me about my shape but I was made aware that the "couple of pounds" I had recently gained was actually closer to a stone and the baggy jumpers that had allowed me to ignore the expansion of my waist were no longer as baggy as they were supposed to be.
I didn't respond to this revelation in the same way as I have on previous occasions (and there have been too many of those but that's in the past). It appears that my plans to be more positive towards myself have not disappeared, but slipped into the background chatter of my subconscious. Instead of tears of distress at being so fat and ugly again, or a vicious critique, slating my reflection for being greedy, worthless and disgusting, I was surprisingly calm. I accepted that I had managed to slip back to the same heavyweight status that had sent me running, panicking, to diet groups in the past. I acknowledged that it was partly due to lack of exercise caused by the fibromyalgia pain, but that comfort eating, triggered by pain, frustration and boredom, had to shoulder most of the blame. I also recognised that I have to do something about it. I can't do the "jolly fat girl" thing because, to be blunt, I don't feel jolly when I'm fat. I feel uncomfortable, with sore knees and aching feet. I get breathless far too easily and that worries me. I struggle with activity in a way that I know is not entirely down to the fatigue of fibromyalgia. I don't quite waddle, but I do feel that my gait has a certain sway that is more lumbering than I would like.
With a hint of resignation, coupled with determination, I decided it is time to act. There is no way that I can use exercise and self-imposed healthy eating to achieve my aims. Even when relatively fit, a couple of years ago, I was unable to run - it is just not my "thing". As for healthy eating, I have decades of dependence on sugary food sapping my willpower and trying to fool me that "just one won't hurt", when the "just one" is referring to a packet and not just a single sweet, biscuit or chocolate bar. The only thing that will work for me is a supervised diet so, this morning, I went back to see my Lighterlife Counsellor.
I don't know if I am a classic yo-yo dieter because I don't really know if there is such a thing. I know that my weight has risen and fallen many times over the years. I have lost the same two stone several times and a further two a couple of times. I have 5 different sizes of jeans in my wardrobe, all of them have been worn in the last two years and, whilst I am reluctant to put away the 10s and 12s in case I can wear them again, I know from experience that discarding the 16s and 18s will prove to be expensive. My most successful weight loss experiences have been with LighterLife, losing 5 stone in 2005 and 4 stone in 2010. Many will query the idea that this weight loss was successful, given that I have just regained all the weight lost in 2010 and I'm sure that quite a few eyeballs will be rolling at my venturing back to this system but I know that, as far as losing weight goes, this programme does work for me.
There is more to weight loss than just losing weight and, from my point of view, the weight returned because I had missed a crucial part of the process - learning to eat properly. There is a full course of nutritional re-education available once a target weight has been reached but on both the previous attempts I hit a brick wall in the form of depression which stopped me from caring much about the consequences of any face-stuffing; hence regaining all the weight lost, from repetition of all the bad habits that put that weight there in the first place.
It did strike me as being a little odd, that I should get depressed after I had lost enough weight that size 10 jeans were feeling loose. It certainly made me consider that being thin does not equal being happy any more than being fat does. In fact, it has enabled me to remove a desire to be happier from my list of reasons to slim. Happiness clearly comes from the mind and not the body and taking a dependence on body-shape away has made it easier for me to work on my happiness as an entirely separate project. This time, the diet is very much (and only) about being healthier, about being able to walk without losing my breath, about feet and knees that don't curse me every day. I know from past experience that this diet makes me feel well and that is what I am looking for.
I would like to be able to look in the mirror and see a slender body (I won't kid myself that I could actually achieve "skinny") and I would like to be able to wear size 10s and walk in heels without hurting. What I really hope to achieve is to know that I have moved towards being a healthier, more comfortable size; that I have learnt to take control of and responsibility for my weight; that I can be the best me I can be, by my own actions, from my own decision.
I have taken the first step. I am on my way.
I didn't respond to this revelation in the same way as I have on previous occasions (and there have been too many of those but that's in the past). It appears that my plans to be more positive towards myself have not disappeared, but slipped into the background chatter of my subconscious. Instead of tears of distress at being so fat and ugly again, or a vicious critique, slating my reflection for being greedy, worthless and disgusting, I was surprisingly calm. I accepted that I had managed to slip back to the same heavyweight status that had sent me running, panicking, to diet groups in the past. I acknowledged that it was partly due to lack of exercise caused by the fibromyalgia pain, but that comfort eating, triggered by pain, frustration and boredom, had to shoulder most of the blame. I also recognised that I have to do something about it. I can't do the "jolly fat girl" thing because, to be blunt, I don't feel jolly when I'm fat. I feel uncomfortable, with sore knees and aching feet. I get breathless far too easily and that worries me. I struggle with activity in a way that I know is not entirely down to the fatigue of fibromyalgia. I don't quite waddle, but I do feel that my gait has a certain sway that is more lumbering than I would like.
With a hint of resignation, coupled with determination, I decided it is time to act. There is no way that I can use exercise and self-imposed healthy eating to achieve my aims. Even when relatively fit, a couple of years ago, I was unable to run - it is just not my "thing". As for healthy eating, I have decades of dependence on sugary food sapping my willpower and trying to fool me that "just one won't hurt", when the "just one" is referring to a packet and not just a single sweet, biscuit or chocolate bar. The only thing that will work for me is a supervised diet so, this morning, I went back to see my Lighterlife Counsellor.
I don't know if I am a classic yo-yo dieter because I don't really know if there is such a thing. I know that my weight has risen and fallen many times over the years. I have lost the same two stone several times and a further two a couple of times. I have 5 different sizes of jeans in my wardrobe, all of them have been worn in the last two years and, whilst I am reluctant to put away the 10s and 12s in case I can wear them again, I know from experience that discarding the 16s and 18s will prove to be expensive. My most successful weight loss experiences have been with LighterLife, losing 5 stone in 2005 and 4 stone in 2010. Many will query the idea that this weight loss was successful, given that I have just regained all the weight lost in 2010 and I'm sure that quite a few eyeballs will be rolling at my venturing back to this system but I know that, as far as losing weight goes, this programme does work for me.
There is more to weight loss than just losing weight and, from my point of view, the weight returned because I had missed a crucial part of the process - learning to eat properly. There is a full course of nutritional re-education available once a target weight has been reached but on both the previous attempts I hit a brick wall in the form of depression which stopped me from caring much about the consequences of any face-stuffing; hence regaining all the weight lost, from repetition of all the bad habits that put that weight there in the first place.
It did strike me as being a little odd, that I should get depressed after I had lost enough weight that size 10 jeans were feeling loose. It certainly made me consider that being thin does not equal being happy any more than being fat does. In fact, it has enabled me to remove a desire to be happier from my list of reasons to slim. Happiness clearly comes from the mind and not the body and taking a dependence on body-shape away has made it easier for me to work on my happiness as an entirely separate project. This time, the diet is very much (and only) about being healthier, about being able to walk without losing my breath, about feet and knees that don't curse me every day. I know from past experience that this diet makes me feel well and that is what I am looking for.
I would like to be able to look in the mirror and see a slender body (I won't kid myself that I could actually achieve "skinny") and I would like to be able to wear size 10s and walk in heels without hurting. What I really hope to achieve is to know that I have moved towards being a healthier, more comfortable size; that I have learnt to take control of and responsibility for my weight; that I can be the best me I can be, by my own actions, from my own decision.
I have taken the first step. I am on my way.
Hello Caite,
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this. I often wonder if anyone can truly see themselves on a physical level as others see them? Are we always critical of our weight whatever that might be, our skin, hair texture or colour, and still not want to improve upon it? Do we feel unhealthy because we compare ourselves to others' dietary regimes and feel lacking ~ probably. I look at you and see a radiant, confident woman; with cheekbones to die for. Someone who is classically beautiful, and perhaps unaware of how much so. You are intelligent, objective, and fair; wonderful qualities that are so rare. It is, on the whole, as you so rightly point out, how we ourselves feel about our health and appearance. I just wanted to say, I think you're doing all right.
xxx Anthea (AKA Nikita Cherry ~ BLOGGER)
A few things.
ReplyDeleteFirst genetics. I think I am genetically designed to be slightly overweight - always have been. Maybe a stone over and never less than half a stone. If I get too thin, then I usually end up back to where I started before long, but - oddly not much heavier - the body puts on the breaks if I get too thin or too fat. So the body has a set point. But - if I do find myself getting heavier then I usually change to reverse it, which sounds like what you are doing.
Comfort eating - women do this much more than men. It's a bad habit - a chemical addiction.
Running, you say, "I was unable to run - it is just not my "thing". I always said the same. When I did run, I would get out of puff and then give up. My friend told me, the trick is, to run slowly, so you do not get out of puff. Then gradually you can increase the distance. So do that, run v slowly and aim for half a mile. Now I can run two miles, but draw the line there. No need to over-do it :-) I run about once a week on average, OK once a fortnight usually. But here's the thing. Running is not about burning calories, that's a minor benefit. I think that running "shocks" the body, and the body thinks, oh no, I have to run, and I am too heavy to do that. So the body then decides to shed weight by reducing cravings for food, and burning more calories when at rest.
Oh, one more thing about running. OK two. First it destroys stress. Secondly - afterwards you feel a "high". Try it. And then, when you return to the house, savour the feeling, of feeling high. That feeling is great, and for me it's a motivator. I think, I can go for a run, and not only will it benefit me, but I will get this "high", and it's the "high" that motivates me, as it's a short term, guaranteed incentive.
ReplyDelete