Parties are exhausting for me, physically and mentally. I love to join in and be part of the crowd, to dress up and dance to good music, to have a drink or two (if I am not driving home) but the noise, the activity and the social interactions all create stresses for my overloaded senses.
An invitation makes me feel valued and validated, I love the thought that somebody actually wants me to join in with their fun, that they care enough to include me. I might not take enough time to keep in touch with my friends on a regular basis but I really do appreciate them and to see the people I like is always a pleasant experience.
The lead up to the party begins with The Planning of the Outfit, a complex process requiring a touch of fortune-telling on my part, given the variability in my size at the moment. A lot of the fun of a party (but by no means all of it) is involved in the planning phase. I might need a shopping trip to acquire a key piece and, if I have nothing suitable, I will also have the pleasure of a jewellery-making project. I am always desperate to look my best and terrified of making a fool of myself in the process. It only takes the tiniest touch of makeup on my usually naked face to make it look like I've pulled out all the stops. That doesn't mean that a smidge is sufficient to make me into a ravishing beauty, it would take several thick layers and a good imagination to achieve that, it's just that a little makes such a difference that everyone is able to say, "oooh, you're wearing make up", and feel that I've made an effort. Unfortunately, I am so out of practise with said makeup, that it is easy to overdo it (at least in my view) and feel like a child's experiment gone wrong! Eventually I will have all the pieces assembled for the look I've chosen; I'll try it on a couple of times, change my mind, change it back again...and then at the last minute I'll wear something completely different!
I have to be careful, though, to make sure I watch out for that nasty little saboteur, fear. I used to have a bit of a party-phobia that was so subtle that I wasn't even aware of it. After spending a couple of weeks anticipating and planning for a party, I would delay booking a babysitter until the last minute, in the hope that I would be unable to find someone suitable and we would have to cancel. When planning a party at home, I found I would delay sending the invitations until quite near to the event, in the hope that not many people would be able to make it. I had assumed this behaviour was a part of my chronic procrastination but when I thought about it, I realised it was actually because, deep down, I didn't actually want to be at the party. It was always worst when I didn't know many of the people who would be there and I eventually realised that, although I might enjoy spending time with every one of my friends on an individual basis, too many people at once is just too stressful for me.
With hindsight, and new information, has come a degree of self-awareness that has explained some of this to me and I will endeavour to pass on what I have understood. When I talk to a friend they will probably have my full attention. I know who I am talking to, I am listening to their side of the conversation and I am preparing my next words. As soon as another person joins in it can become uncomfortable as I start to get confused; keeping track of two sets of words is harder and it can be difficult to predict the direction in which the conversation will go. For a little while I can cope but I find myself slowing down and withdrawing, until I am following their conversation but only as a spectator and not as a participant. I want to join in and be a part but my brain cannot cope with the split focus. It is no longer my conversation but theirs. This inability to enjoy a multiway conversation is exaggerated when there is a lot of loud background noise and possibly a lot of visual stimulation as well. Sensory overload threatens to engulf me and I find myself seeking quiet corners. I don't want to leave, I just prefer to sit in the wings and observe, until the fatigue sets in and I just have to go home.
I hate feeling like this at parties; it feels so rude and unkind to the friend who has requested my presence and I apologize to all my friends who have invited me but not seen me, or who have seen me, but only fleetingly. It's not personal, I appreciate the invitation and I value your company. I just hope that you can understand that when I slink away it's not that I haven't enjoyed your party, it's just that I've enjoyed it enough now and need to find my space again. Thank you for having me, I'll catch up with you soon, face to face and one-on-one.
